Atonement is defined as the process of forgiving and/or pardoning a transgression. After a pretty hairy Sunday I find that I am frazzled. I have realized that I am not one who can forgive and forget. Complete atonement. Like the old country song goes; "Forgive and forget, relive and regret." I am admitting failure and I am accepting defeat. There ARE individuals who NEVER change for the better. I would like to think that maybe it's me but sadly I have learned from the experiences of others that I, (who I can change), am not the issue.
As a friend described; It is as if we are two magnets. "We are drawn together by the past, however we were never meant to co-exist." So very true... Why am I bothered and why am I a smidge sad? At the moment I find that these emotions come from past hurts. The rejection and mistreatment take me back to a place in time. A place in time when I had no voice. A place in time when I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. A place in time when I felt so ALONE and FRAGILE. The common denominator, you guessed it! The other magnet...
While we can't change the past(though I truly wish with all my heart I could in my case too), we can't change the other people, we can't even change our words or take them back.(well, ok, not that we even WANT to in some cases) But we can alter our own world. We can ask God's forgiveness for anything we are truly convicted by His spirit on. But really what else is there? We move on. It IS sad. It feels like a failure on my part because I CAN'T make it work. But darnit, it "ain't for lack of tryin'" as my gramma used to say. I wish I could smooth the frazzles for you. I wish I could say it will be ok. But the best I can say is that maybe we need to flip the magnet around, aim at the right people and stick and watch great things happen.
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